Time Magazine has a really interesting article this week about Asian-American kids with parents who immigrated to the states. The article didn't say anything that I didn't already know: Growing up, we often felt different, isolated, embarrassed about our heritage, and it's taken years to fit in. I've always prided myself on the fact that I knew early on that I shouldn't abandon my Chinese roots. Or so I thought. After reading the stories of the people interviewed for the article, I thought, have I really embraced my heritage? All of the people said that they felt a sense of community once they went to college and found others in the same situation. They joined ethnic clubs and made friends with other Asian-Americans. However, I've been in college for three years now, and I haven't made one close Asian friend. All of my friends are still mostly white, and I'm even dating a white guy. Am I just in denial?

Everyone always compliments me on my Mandarin fluency, and it's usually followed with sad stories of immigrant children who refused to speak their native language once they came to America and eventually forgot how to speak it. It was no easy task for me; my parents said that one day I just came back from school and spoke in English. They played this game with me where they pretended they couldn't understand anything that came out of my mouth unless it was in Mandarin, and eventually I grew so frustrated that I just gave in. After that, I've always spoken Mandarin with my parents, but over the years it's become more Chinglish than Chinese, which makes me a little sad. But I'm trying.

Anyway, so I have the language down, and I've attempted to learn how to read and write Chinese. But after reading the article, I noticed that I haven't bothered to make any Asian friends, and now I'm trying to think why. One person said, "We all grew up feeling the tension between trying to be Asian and trying to be American." Maybe I still feel this tension, or maybe I've become so American that I've lost all hope of bonding with other Asian Americans. When I went to a meeting for OSU's Asian American Association, I saw a group of people who looked and acted just like me; we ate Chinese food and joked around in English. But I think that's what repelled me from ever going to another meeting. I didn't want to see Asian people speaking in English, because for some reason it felt wrong. I know I'm Asian and that I speak English, but I never actually see myself; all I see are my white friends speaking English and acting American. Of course, this makes no sense at all - how come I don't feel uncomfortable when my gazillion Indian friends speak English? Also, when I met these people, I thought of all the Asian American stereotypes, how we're all obsessed with cutesy material things and with image and fashion. I'm exactly the same way, and yet I was judging people as if I wasn't one of them.

This is why I think I'm an Asian American in denial; I am unwilling to accept other Asians who are exactly like me. Yet we have the most in common: our crazy parents, getting used to two customs, growing up in a white community... This is, of course, the result of me growing up in a white community with white friends, and it's sad. When I went to OSU I had a great opportunity to meet many Asian Americans; all I had to do was walk around the engineering buildings (yet another stereotype) to run into a horde of strangely dressed people talking furiously in Chinese. I've always been quick to point out that I'm the Asian girl, the odd one out in the group, and one could see that as a sense of pride in my heritage. And I am proud. But now I see that I am also the first to judge people by their race. I am ashamed.