The internet at my house has been cutting in and out, so I haven't been able to get online in a while. I've had a pretty rough past two days; I've learned that I need to quit bending over backwards for people. I thought I was a pretty strong person up until now, but apparently I've been the world's biggest pushover. I've also learned that I can't expect to drag anyone down with me in my misery, because apparently everyone else is stronger.

In other exciting news, I got my hair permed today. I hate that word, permed, because it reminds me of the fro-ish hairstyles of the 80s that my mother sported when I was little. Really small tight curls bundled around the head. But I went ahead and did it, and for the first time in my whole Asian-haired life, I have curly hair. CURLY. About half an hour later I found myself wanting my straight hair back when I realized I couldn't run my beloved brush through the curls, but luckily that passed, and all was not in vain. It's really weird, I'm going to have to learn how to use products like "gel" and "moisturizer" and "frizz-ease"... I might need to enlist Linlee's help for this new experience.

So I don't know what's going on with my life. I have a to-do list everyday (yes, even in the summer) of things to accomplish: get cavities filled, work on a website, find a job... I've made to-do lists ever since the end of sophomore year of college, and everyday I get the satisfaction of crossing things off. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I've been relying on these for short-term and immediate gratification; for the past two years half of the things on my to-do list were simply going to class. How's that for aiming high? And I think I started these lists when I stopped having any direction in my life - I wasn't doing what I wanted to do, I was devoting more time to video games that also offer short-term satisfaction, I stopped keeping up with friends. I didn't have any long-term goals to aim for anymore. I've been trying to counter this lack of direction lately, probably overdoing it by wanting to accomplish everything - graduate soon with a good degree, open up shops, save the world... and in turn I've stressed myself out. But realisticly am I even on the right track? Am I going to graduate soon? I'm not even comfortable with returning to Kent anymore, or expending the energy to last four more years for a bachelors. I see everyone around me graduating on time (or even early!) in great fields, and I look at myself and only see someone who has consistently made wrong decisions. Ben keeps telling me to slow down, but the slower I go, I'm afraid that instead of the standstill that I'm at that I'll just start moving backwards, start undoing everything that's gotten me here in the first place.

People say, what's the rush? Well the rush is that if I don't rush, any ounce of motivation that might have been in my body will just float away. Everything will stop. I won't be moving forward anymore, I won't be progressing. I'll be left behind. I'm trying to reach the finish line before the track itself disappears. That's the rush.

edit: Just saw this on defective yeti: I think the secret to happiness is to care a lot about people who care about you, and to not care too much about anything else.

He's right on. And I've followed that religiously until this jerk from Amazon came along, but thanks to the yeti to bring me back to my senses. And Ben. Pictures and a better post to come soon, if I have internet.